I grew up in Milford, Massachusetts, and every year in high school I had to be in the Veterans Day Parade, Santa Parade, and Memorial Day Parade. Every parade was exactly the same. To get the full effect of what, exactly, a Milford, Mass. Parade sounds like, turn on all four videos below at the same time, one after the other.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!?
So, not having a clue what a real parade looks like, I was pleasantly surprised to have retained my hearing after this one. Also, the hotel my dad had booked solely because it was basically the only thing left, the Central Plaza Hotel, looked right out over the parade route, so we got this awesome, Arnie Pie in the Sky view of everything.
I hope you feel like looking at horses for half an hour.
KILL IT WITH FIRE
KILL IT WITH MURDER
I have no idea why Shriner's love zipping around in tiny cars wearing Fezes, but I'm willing to bet alcohol is somehow involved.
"And in sports tonight, several racers in the Tour de France got very, very lost..."
United States Servicemen: the ONLY people driving Humvees I don't have a problem with.
Hey! It's the live version of what's on the back of my checks!
With hair like that you know she's a Rodeo Queen.
OH SHIT GLITCH IN THE MATRIX.
The Dandies go through rigorous auditions and training to spend an entire week acting as the commercial breaks.
These people weren't actually supposed to be part of the parade. They just figured if they built and decorated a platform and showed up at the right time they'd be let in. They obviously weren't wrong.
Kim was less than impressed with the waving skills of the Rodeo Queens, which was less Beauty Pagent and more Pre School.
Old cars are old.
Having a fake horse in this parade is like serving Tang in the middle of an orange grove.
Unlike professional regulation football, cowboy football has a shorter, wider field surrounded by barbed wire. Teams are allowed to use cattle and player are encouraged to be armed.
Wind River Casino: Where you can work off your white guilt one toss of the dice at a time.
The Army marching behind the Indian tribe?! Shit, I've seen this movie and it does NOT end well.
If you want to drive a Humvee and not look like an environment destroying asshole, you sure as hell better be wearing fatigues, that is all I'm saying.
Massachusetts, represent!
Milford Officials: "Okay, I see ONE fire truck. I GUESS it's a parade...."
I really don't understand any state that doesn't border another country or the ocean having a National Guard. I guess they're here just in case Colorado gets uppity.
When budgeting goes horribly, horribly wrong...
At least with the National Guard I can figure out where they would practice. What the hell do you do with a submarine in Wyoming?
I can understand people from Wyoming BEING in the Navy. Just, obviously, not doing it in Wyoming.
The first of two Scottish bands. They were good, but they didn't have the panache of the second one.
"The Cheyenne Hillbillies" was a short lived spin off that only confused viewers outside of the Front Range Area, who couldn't understand why moving from Casper to Cheyenne was such a huge step up.
Milford Officials: "What did they use for sirens? Did they just scream as he rode? He should be screaming."
In the old days you were just glad if you got your milk before it curdled.
The Ice Wagon: Leaving thousands of disappointed children in its wake since 1857.
Remember, if you're ever feeling bad about your life, just repeat to yourself: at least we have anesthesia.
Why does the dead guy get the armed escort?
Cheyenne actually uses these trolleys during the summer for tours, covering all the important downtown Cheyenne landmarks. They last exactly three minutes, including snack break.
You wouldn't think there would be a need for TWO bagpipe bands in Cheyenne. You would be wrong.
OH NO A PENNYFARTHING. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
Used specifically for when the plane above has engine fires.
Milford Officials: "Thank God, a fire truck! I was getting seriously bored over here."
It's not the wild west until the floozies show up.
If I had been going to school every day in a train instead of a bus I might have actually enjoyed going.
Living in Wyoming means never having to limit your selection of floozies.
Let's end on a high note: MOAR FLOOZIES.
Milford Officials: "These people need a lesson in the fine art of parades."
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